guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
