Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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