everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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