i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
