I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
