he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
