if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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