Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
nutella sex= disaster
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
