god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize