Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think my moral compass just broke
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
