All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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