i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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