he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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