he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
