Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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