I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
