i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
