ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
