No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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