1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
