I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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