I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
