my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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