I murdered the dance floor call the cops
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize