im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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