This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
