My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
