i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize