I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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