Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My feet surprised me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize