last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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