She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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