i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize