you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
