hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
