im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
