Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
