Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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