I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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