i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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