I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
