can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
