His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
