So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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