i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
