Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize