My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
