today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
