I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
