i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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