Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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