New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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