I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
