Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
