I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
