i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
