Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
