I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
