You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
