Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
