Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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