Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
